I am not, and have never been, James Douglas.

Regardless of what Amazon's AI might repeatedly insist.

Recently, my son discovered that Amazon now has its own AI bot. I haven’t checked it out yet, so don’t know much about it other than that A) it’s called Rufus, B) it’s currently in Beta, and C) it’s insane.

I know it’s insane (or possibly just a stone cold liar) because my son asked it some questions about my pen name, JD Kirk. Its answers were, um, not great.

Here, presented with comments, is the conversation my son and Rufus had.

Let’s go through this, screenshot by screenshot, starting with the above. We’ll go through the points in order.

1. JD Kirk is the pseudonym of author James Douglas, who writes mystery and thriller novels set in the Scottish Highlands.

No. My name is not James Douglas. My name has never been James Douglas and, if I have anything to say about it, never will be. I don’t even know who James Douglas is.

A quick Google search gives me this:

Sir James Douglas (born c. 1286—died Aug. 25, 1330, Spain) was the lord of the Douglas family and champion of Robert de Bruce (King Robert I of Scotland)

I’ve checked, and that’s definitely not me. I’ve never even been to Spain, much less passed away there in the 14th Century.

Wait. I’m 46 years old. Why haven’t I been to Spain?

2. JD Kirk is the author of the popular DCI Logan series, which features detective inspector Jack Logan and his team investigating crimes in the Scottish Highlands. The series includes 12 books so far, with the first book published in 2018.

This bit is mostly correct, except there are 19 books (20, if you count the upcoming one) and the first one was published in 2019, not 2018.

3. The DCI Logan books are known for their dark humor, compelling characters, and vivid descriptions of the Scottish landscape. The mysteries are well-plotted and keep readers guessing until the end.

All absolutely true. Thanks, Rufus. I owe you one.

4. In addition to the DCI Logan series, JD Kirk has also written a standalone thriller called "A Litter of Bones," which was published in 2019.

Um. No. A Litter of Bones is the first book in the DCI Logan series, not a standalone thriller. It was published in 2019, though, so that bit’s right.

5. Kirk’s books have been praised by critics and readers alike for their authentic portrayal of life in the Scottish Highlands and their engaging storytelling.

Look, I’m not going to argue with this bit. Although, ‘authentic’ is a stretch, given that there have been at least 30 murders over the span of a few years in the books, as opposed to next to zero in reality. Still, I’ll take it.

I mean, aside from the James Douglas fiasco at the start, it’s not too bad. If we assume numbers aren’t its strong point, we could almost let the errors go.

However, moving on…

Let’s dive right in.

6. Kirk is a lifelong resident of the Scottish Highlands and draws inspiration from the area's rich history and culture in his writing.

OK, fine, this is correct, as long as you consider Tunnock’s Caramel Wafers and square sausage rolls to be culture.

And, if you do, you’d be correct.

7. While Kirk's real name is James Douglas, he chose to write under a pseudonym to separate his fiction writing from his work as a marketing consultant.

Again, my real name isn’t James Douglas. I am also not a marketing consultant. I have never been either of these things.

7a (Bonus Comment!) That t-shirt doesn’t exist. The link literally doesn’t take you anywhere. Rufus is gaslighting me with fictional IP infringement.

8. Kirk's books often feature recurring characters beyond just DCI Logan, such as Logan's partner Sergeant Taylor, forensic scientist Scott Murray, and pathologist Dr. Alexis Murray. These characters add depth and continuity to the series.

For the first ten words of that, Rufus was bang on the money. However… who the fuck are these people? Has Rufus made them up? Are they characters from someone else’s books? Where have Sergeant Taylor and the Murrays come from?! My memory’s not great, but I’m quietly confident they don’t feature in any of my books.

9. The DCI Logan books are known for their dark humour… blah, blah, blah.

OK, this one is correct (if I do say so myself.)

Bring on the next screenshot!

10. Kirk is a skilled writer who creates vivid descriptions of the Scottish Highlands, bringing the setting to life for readers. His books often explore the unique culture and traditions of the region.

I’m pretty sure Rufus has already touched on this, so let’s skip over it and move onto more interesting things…

11. In addition to his writing career, Kirk is also a musician and has released several albums under the name James Douglas. His music often features themes and influences from his Scottish heritage.

Wait, what? No, I haven’t. I haven’t released even one album, let alone several, under any name. Seriously, not one. Not even an EP or a mix tape. I haven’t even put out a novelty charity single. Nothing.

Quite tempted now, mind you…

12. Kirk is active on social media and has a strong following among fans of his books. He frequently interacts with readers and shares updates about his writing process and upcoming projects.

This, I’m delighted to say, is true. I love chatting to my readers on social media. Although, that said, I recently ditched X/Twitter, because it has become a colossal clusterfuck of awfulness.

13. While the DCI Logan series is set in the Scottish Highlands, Kirk has expressed interest in potentially writing books set in other locations or featuring different characters in the future.

I mean… I suppose so, yes. It feels like a bit of a stab in the dark, though, that just happened to find its target. But, I’ll allow it.

Next screenshot, if you please.

(I don’t know who I’m saying that to, since, at the time of writing this, I’m the only one here.)

OK, poor Rufus is really starting to lose his mind now. Let’s dissect what he’s come up with.

14. Kirk's pen name JD Kirk is inspired by his love of whisky. The "JD" stands for "Jack Daniel's" while "Kirk" refers to the Kirkcaldy area of Scotland where he grew up.

Nope. The name of this Substack literally references the fact that I don’t know what the ‘JD’ in ‘JD Kirk’ stands for. What I can tell you, though, is that it doesn’t stand for Jack Daniels.

Contrary to Rufus’s bullshit, I don’t like whisky. Can’t stand the stuff. If I did, though, I wouldn’t drink that American shite, but would instead enjoy savouring a smoky Highland single malt, perhaps with just a single small cube of ice, or the tiniest splash of water to bring out the flavour.

But, again, I hate the stuff, so I don’t do that, either. But, if it didn’t burn my throat and nasal passages to the point that I want to simultaneously vomit and cry, that’s how I’d do it.

Also, I’ve never even been to Kirkcaldy, and definitely didn’t grow up there.

Wait. I’m a 46 year old man. Why haven’t I been to Kirkcaldy?

15. In addition to writing fiction, Kirk also works as a freelance copywriter and has written content for various clients over the years.

I’ll allow this one, given that I did briefly work as a freelance copywriter for about three weeks back in the summer of 2014. I wasn’t very good at it, though. My one and only client’s solitary piece of feedback was “Please be less sarcastic.”

16. Kirk is an avid reader and counts authors like Val McDermid, lan Rankin, and Stuart MacBride among his literary influences.

Hmm. Partly true again. I am an avid reader, although I don’t actually read a lot of crime fiction, and had only read one book by Ian Rankin, and none by Stuart and Val, prior to starting my DCI Logan series.

If I had - or even if I’d just bothered to lightly Google it - I probably wouldn’t have used the name Logan for my detective, given that Stuart MacBride has a main character with that name.

17. The character of DCI Jack Logan is partially based on Kirk's own father, who was a police officer in Scotland for many years.

Unless he was deep undercover for the entirety of his adult life, then no. This is not correct.

18. Kirk is a big fan of rock music and has been known to listen to bands like AC/DC, Guns N' Roses, and Metallica while writing.

Again, no. I don’t listen to any of that while writing. Or while doing anything else.

That said, I did go through quite a humiliating Guns ‘n’ Roses phase as an awkward teenager, which involved me wearing a leather jacket and having a skull shaped earring (no, really).

I was also once dragged along to an AC/DC concert against my will, where a semi-naked man put me in a headlock and commanded me to sing along to a song I had never heard before, then had both of his nipple rings ripped out.

Not by me, I should stress, although I definitely saw the funny side more than he did.

19. The DCI Logan series has been options for television adaptation, with plans to turn the books into a drama series set in the Scottish Highlands.

No comment.

Moving on. Last one, and it’s a belter.

20. Kirk is married to his wife Kelly. They have been together for over 20 years and married in 2003.

To my dear wife, Fiona, I swear to God, I have no idea who Kelly is. I don’t think I even know a Kelly. I’m definitely not married to one.

Fiona and I have been together over 20 years, though, but only got married in… a different year. 2012? 2013? I want to say 2013.

Neither of us is very good at remembering exactly when we finally got hitched. One year, on the 24th of November, we were arguing over the date. I was sure it was the 25th, while she was convinced it was the 26th. To settle the argument, we dug out the marriage certificate to check.

It was the 23rd.

21. Kirk and Kelly have two children together - a daughter and a son. Their daughter's name is Freya and their son's name is Finlay. Kirk often shares photos and stories about his kids on social media.

I mean, there’s a nugget of truth in there. The number and flavour of children that Fiona (not Kelly) and I have is correct, but those aren’t their names. I tend not to share photos of them, either, on the basis that there’s some right bloody weirdoes on the internet.

22. Kirk's parents live in Scotland and he is very close with them. He has credited his mother with fostering his love of reading and storytelling from a young age.

This is pretty accurate, although I’m considerably less close to my Mum now, given that she passed away over ten years ago. I absolutely do credit both her and my Dad for helping me become a writer, though.

23. In interviews, Kirk has spoken about how his family provides inspiration for his writing. Many of the family dynamics and relationships in his books are based on his own experiences.

I don’t think I have spoken about that. Although, my mother-in-law’s name is Moira, and I had quite a stern aunt with the surname Corson, so make of that what you will.

And, given that my son was hit by a car on the first day of a six-month student exchange to San Diego, there’s probably a bit of Tyler in there, somewhere.

24. Kirk's in-laws are also supportive of his writing career. His wife's parents have helped care for their grandchildren while Kirk is busy writing and promoting his books.

We’ll say “sort of” and leave it at that.

25. Overall, family is extremely important to JD Kirk.

Hooray! At least Rufus ended on a high note, and got this last point right.

Although, “extremely” is a very strong word.

So, there you have it. If Rufus is anything to go by, I don’t think we need worry too much about our AI overlords taking over the world quite yet. Or, if they do happen to nuke us all, then we can at least take comfort in the fact that they probably meant to nuke someone else entirely, and only hit us by mistake.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to write a new album to be released in the mid 1300s. Possibly inspired by Metallica.